Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Isn't That Amazing!
I want you to picture this in your mind. You're watching television, late at night. You're bored, you have insomnia, and the Tonight Show is over with.
You turn it to the Science Channel. Liberals love the Science Channel.
The program that's on is How It's Made, where you learn how shirt buttons, dry dog food, air mattresses, and walk-behind lawn mowers are made. That should be sufficient to bore you right to sleep.
You're done with the shirt buttons, then a commercial.
Since this is late at night, this is no ordinary commercial; it's an infomercial, with what appears to be the same loud-mouthed fast talking salesguy who did the infamous "Moxy-Clean" or "Veg-A-Matik" or "Maxi-Hair" or some stupid appliance that is always vital to home kitchen operations. It's something that a liberal would concoct.
And in short, YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT!!!
The amazing wonder drug you've been waiting for! It doesn't slice, dice, whip, puree, or does anything for you within the kitchen.
Are you tired of the at-home drudgery? Do you long to be served on a silver platter? Do you long years for a better you? Do you want to be the life of the party?
Introducing Don Soreal's "Lib-A-Change". Yes, "Lib-A-Change", where your half-witted dreams of being a blithering idiot liberal become a reality. Packed with B-vitamins and Don's secret sauce, why you can change from....
An Olympic gold medal he-man athlete to the sexiest woman alive!
A white woman to a black woman and there and back again!
A white woman to Native American to the U.S. Senate!
Cop killer to national celebrity, death row optional!
You'll be the most popular guy - or gal, or both - on the block with "Lib-A-Change". Isn't that amazing!
Act now and we'll send as a free gift to you a stack of 24 MEGA-JOINTS, grown from the finest Colorado pot dealers in the state. Call within one hour and we'll DOUBLE THE OFFER! That's right, a whopping TWO bottles of "Lib-A-Change" and 48 MEGA-JOINTS, all with our money-lost guarantee, and guaranteed access to both bathrooms anywhere in North America!
And it's only yours for 23 easy payments of $595.95; food stamp and major credit cards are accepted!"
After watching that commercial, you chuck a brick through the screen - if you're a conservative. If you're a liberal, why, you search the pants, pull out the wallet, and phone the number on the back of the food stamp card.
Gotta check your balance!