Ahhh, the taste of a smoothy. So fresh. So fruity. Soooo liberal!
Why, when I go out for a smoothy, when I have that luscious cold icy strawberry goodness pass through my lips, I just feel like..like...
Like I want to go out and save some whales!
But doggone it, why should I have to pay an extra dollar for it that some conservative swine-flu-carrying-hate-filled-scumbag-should-be-dropping-dead-because-I-hate-his-living-guts doesn't have to?
There's this bar - the I Love Drilling Juice & Smoothie Bar - that's doing just that. Conservatives have to pay $4.95 for a delicious, liberal-inspired smoothy, while us extremely-tolerant, good-for-everything liberals must pay a dollar more. Why? Is it because we're the best of society? That we always have good intentions? Well, I know some of us tried to blow up a bridge and all - I'm just saying - and some of us think cop cars are just another port-a-potty when raping, er, making love on Wall Street, but that's because we're always the best of society and always have the best of intentions in mind. So doggone it, when the bridge is blown to smithereens I want to relax with a nice smoothy and not have to pay a dollar extra for it!
And it bugs the shorts outta me when some conservative comes out of church, all pretty and clean, and with a smiling wife, all pretty and clean, and three smiling kids all pretty and clean, and they appear in the I Love Drilling Juice & Smoothie Bar that's on 510 East Main in Vernal, Utah, and they don't smell like the inside of a cheap tent from Wall Street...and they get the smoothy I should be getting for a buck less? Why, I just want to take my tolerance and shove it up their $^%(&%#^!!!
I hate those people! Hate them, hate them, hate them!
And that extra dollar I have to pay? Going to the Heritage Foundation? That's a low-down, despicable, hate-filled, intolerant, bigoted, trashy-ugly conservative organization! They just need to drop dead! Commit suicide! Step in front of a bus doing 70 in a 30 zone while the driver does some weed! Why, if I had my way, those extra dollars would be going to MY causes, like Planned Parenthood, because I believe people have a right to choose.
Except when choosing to increase the price of a smoothy. Or being a conservative. Or being Christian. Or engaging in First Amendment rights. Nope, they can't do that.
Nor can they choose to throw me out of the I Love Drilling Juice & Smoothie Bar on 510 East Main in Vernal, Utah. How dare they say I need a bath!
The Tolerant Liberal